so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
MIDGETS
????
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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