If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We named our party play list daddy issues
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
