i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
