While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
