Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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