Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
