Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
