you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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