It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
