I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
