it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I want to fling myself into the sun
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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