that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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