Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
