haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
