I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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