you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
