the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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