I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
