Your face is a jimmy john
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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