btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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