he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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