Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My liver just had a heart attack.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
