I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
