In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
