Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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