he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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