I'm gonna have a badass scar
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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