i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
