i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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