Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
