If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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