what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
