I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize