someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize