I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
