Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
