im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize