I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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