My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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