now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
