pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize