1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
