Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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