I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
