cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
