Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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