i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
