I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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