My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
