the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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