god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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