Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
