If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
3pm strippers are depressing
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
