his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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