Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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