I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
