Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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