What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
