just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
