It's like a parade of train wrecks.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
