i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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