I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
