Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
